Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Today, one small and simple event was enough. And down, just down it went again. Though I have been trying hard to keep up the good spirit. Nope, no go, it seems. If somethings are pushed back deliberately, pushed back to be forgotten, pushed back and denied, this nasty stuff will strike and burst out at some totally unexpected moment. So it seems. Fuckin' fed up with this by all means - but what can I do?

Oh, again I feel that I would go and just hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere. A cottage in the midst of the woods... yes, there should be forest. Nobody anywhere, just me and the trees. Silence. Sweet rustle. Meditation. Would I gain back my peace ?

I would know still very well, too very well, that the world is there beyond my middle of nowhere. I would be so aware of that, it seems. I would know there is the world, things going their own way, things changing all the time, there is nothing I can do; this would stay firmly in my mind. Every single moment in that middle of nowhere, I guess. Beyond my sweet nothing I would still feel the rest of the world. And the missing, this would stay. The missing would stay, no doubt. There in that cottage, in the midst of the forest. No escape. No escape possible; one carries her/his own hell within wherever this one goes. Wherever this one tries to hide. Nope, no go.

And what can I do? Still anything left I can do? I feel my words so weak, too weak; no power in my words anymore. I feel like I could split myself into halves; still nothing would change. Things just go their own way.

Time as it would slip through my fingers...

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