THE WISH

Snow has gone. Some very odd things are going on lately, too. I only wonder and try to understand. Yet I would like some sudden silences to be explained... Sometimes I just cannot understand. I don't care for some things. For other, I care far too much. I try to do my best. Or I just think I am trying to do my best. Perhaps I have become slightly too superficial and lazy. God knows.

I would ride my bike on the forest tracks. I would start cross-country skiing again; years have passed since I have last been dealing with cross-country skiing. I would do Genki Nanbu Ichiban on the quiet lake-shore, as I remember me doing it (there was no people around).

In my two latest plays, characters go nuts all of a sudden, and they just leave. Everything behind. People, places; everything. They move, they go, they travel; or at least they try to move. They take a brake. Yep, I would need holidays, desperately. Just a week would be enough, a week in one different world, different city, wherever different. I would just go to... somewhere. But I start this job in February...

I would take a brake. I would take a deep breath.

There are things I have to think about. There is me I have to think about the most, I guess.

TODAY IN DOJO

Something that meant a lot to me happened today. Alright, you can say I am boasting or overdoing or whatever you wish. Yet such small events can bring me so much happiness. Moments, that can make heavy day slightly lighter. Nanbudo training.

At the beginning of each training, we always start our practice with formal greeting. The ritual I so like; with traditional samurai spirit. Let me provide here more accurate description. We students and Sensei (teacher) line up, facing each other. Sensei sits at the front of the dojo. To Sensei's left, facing the middle of the dojo, are black belts, arranged from highest to lowest, with highest sitting closest to Sensei. If there is many black belts, the rest sit on Sensei's right hand side, in the same formation. The Kyus (school grades) sit facing Sensei below the black belts, lined across the dojo. They sit with the highest kyus (1., 2., 3.) on Sensei's left, going down in grades. During formal greeting, we repeat three Principles of Nanbudo (see below).

However, today there was only one black belt at the beginning and he was our Sensei; Fukushidoin since he has 1st Dan. Greeting is always done so, that chosen higher belt assists Sensei at the ritual. There are exact commands the assistant gives. Usually these commands are given by the highest black belt after the Sensei, or by the highest Kyu. The language is of course Japanese.

Moto no ichi - the assistant orders the group to line up

Seiza - sensei sits, the assistant sits, then assistant commands others to sit by saying Ossu!

Seikoza - we put right hand into the left, tips of the thumbs touching

Sensei leads our reciting of Nanbudo Mittsu no Chikara. Sensei also announces the end of meditation.

Fukushidoin ni rei - the assistant commands greeting to the Sensei (today he was Fukushidoin)

Otogai ni rei - the assistant commands greeting to all of us (''bow to the others'')

Kiritsu - the assistant commands the group to stand up

Today, I was given the honour to assist Sensei at the opening greeting. Duty I have never done before; it was very first time for me, deshi, 3rd kyu, green belt. Very good experience I so enjoyed. And yes, I did the assistance properly.

Nanbudo Mittsu no Chikara:

Chikara da (force, moč)
Yuki da (courage, pogum)
Shinnen da (conviction, prepričanje)

WINTER

Snow has happened.

Huoneeni on valkoinen kuin ei mitään

Kävelyä lumen päällä kuin emme kävelisikään

Me upposimme se ei jaksanut kantaa meitä

ONLY RABBITS AND WRITERS

Yesterday I completed one quite small but on the other hand quite sweet task. I wrote a book review. To be broadcasted on the radio. I hope I did it successfully. Well, I will get my feedback sooner or later. Nevertheless this little task makes me proud. Yeah, right, I give a fuck if I am overdoing it. As a dramaturge, I have already written some book reviews, whereas those were all books on performing arts. More or less my field. I have also written theatre and dance reviews; loads of them. Writing on stuff which has to do with performing arts is nothing but my profession.

However, the review I wrote yesterday is not on performing arts. It was on a novel. Pure literature. Perhaps I should give the title here: Dedu za petami - Searching for Grandpa - Isoisää etsimässä by Arto Paasilinna. Fresh Slovenian translation. Okay, the original seems Finnish. And so it is. Just please do not think I went totally nuts and crazy since I am writing something about the mentioned land again. I have always been a freak; but this is actually not the case in this post. Back to the book now. I happen to like Paasilinna. As many other readers do. I was even trying to read him in Finnish. Reader-friendly by all means (and in both languages): simple stories, interesting and so nicely odd characters, lots of humor and irony. As well as this traces of melancholy he includes. Decent entertainment indeed. After I have spent at least some small amount of time in Finland, I dare to say I have got slightly better insight into Finnish society and the landscapes Paasilinna writes about. It is special tunnelma in his writing. The atmosphere one cannot even tell about; one just has to feel it.

Sure it was fun to write this review. Oh, you might have started to wonder about the discussed book. Quite okay, yet not that okay as those most famous works of Arto Paasilinna. Not that good as Zajčje leto-The Year of the Hare-Jäniksen vuosi, for instance. Perhaps it also needs to be marked here that Searching for Grandpa is actually not one of the latest Paasilinna's books; it was written back in 1977.

Some time ago I have had this crisis. Like that I did not feel as writing any kind of reviews. I mean, in a way I felt kind of empty, without proper ideas and especially without some theoretical backup. Fuck this artistic apathy, I said, be more active; it's all about this special laziness. Of course I am capable of writing several different thingies; if I only decide to tackle them properly. I just have to give myself a slight push, I have to wait for the silence of the night, then I have to sit down and start writing...

MAJ KARMA - VALAIDEN LAULU

THIS WEEK'S MUSIC

Some time ago I have noticed how huge amount of inspiration I can get from music. As an occasional playwright. My latest play, for instance, would not become as it is if there would not be those bands I have been listening while working on the text. Atmospheres, thoughts and much more music can give me. Music is very significant for me. I have always put a lot of importance on good lyrics. Thus I really like those bands that can offer good and meaningful words. On the other hand, I also like to listen songs in languages I do not speak. Languages add their own soundscapes to the music. And yes, of course I do listen to some Slovenian bands too. Those more arty, odd and alternative. And yes, I also used to be Laibach fan some years ago.

Things I dream about. I would like to write lyrics for some band. For alternative kind of band. Metal, dark rock and so on. Oh, and I would so like to do videos for such bands as described above. That is even more suitable for my profession. I would write script for the video. So that the director and the band could put it into images. I would so try to do music video once. Hei, any alternative band out there searching for a poet or scriptwriter? I can prove myself devoted worker...

Last week I have been given new pile of good music. Many thanks again to the friend that has sent it from this cold distant land called Suomi Finland. Sure they have good musical stuff up there; not to mention only the Finns have won last Eurosong. I guess it would also be nice and interesting to visit one of those festivals they arrange in summer. I'd like to see good local bands live. However, during the week I have been listening a lot to MAJ KARMA. Actually Maj Karman Kauniit Kuvat (Maj Karma's Beautiful Pictures); the band has shortened their name.

So here above you can see posted one Maj Karma's video. Valaiden laulu meaning Song of Whales. Killer track indeed, with some special lyrics. The video seems quite okay, the band members are cute and sexy, despite the video could be done slightly better. Khm, now let's try how this posting actually works... and enjoy the music!

P.S.: I am one silly reminiscent person. Thus I remember... and I can write too that now it is a year since I have traveled to Finland for the first time. To practice Nanbudo on ice and snow. The weather was even not that cold as expected. Yet I did not manage to see any Aurora Borealis. And so on.

FEELS LIKE APRIL

Last month I wrote one post on snow. Today, the lawn here where I live looks almost like this. In mid winter. From the telly news have just come that today had been the warmest January day in Slovenia after more than 100 years. Beware now. 15 degrees Celsius. Above zero. Despite it should be 5 minus at least, snow, ice, and all that once natural winter thingies. When I passed this building overlooking Trg republike (Republica Square) which has a huge display showing time, date and temperature, the display indeed told me it had been 14 degrees Celsius. In late afternoon. Seems things are turning insane.

I had some errands to do and since I still feel slight effects of my illness, I was walking around the centre of Ljubljana slowly almost half of the day. Sunny day. Yet the sun felt so sharp. And then, this weird warmth. I was walking with my jacket open, around my neck light silky scarf I would use in spring. Some people are even wondering around in T-shirts. Others are eating ice-cream in the middle of the street. In the old town I saw one bar put tables and chairs for people to sit outside. Under that so sharp sun.

The air is mild, full of sudden warm brightness. There is such an odd smell of spring. Ages too early that smell has arisen. Birds are far too loud and lively as well. Small spring flowers, green grass growing. It feels like being in one science-fiction movie, where the city is trapped under fake atmosphere. Artificial feeling of spring. And one just cannot enjoy it, though the weather is so nice. I can still wear those trainers I was walking around with in August; yet the fact I am saving my winter shoes is not something to rejoice. I only wonder what will be going on in actual spring, as well as later in summer.

Now we should really think about this fucked up climate... if it is not far too late already, eh?

BURN THE REMEMBRANCE

Not in the training today. Viruses just keep bugging; they have managed to cause one lovely overall weakness. My mind also affected. So I will try to rest. And write.

For some time I have felt an urge to make kind of resume of the year just passed; I just could not make up my mind how to put things down properly. And perhaps I still cannot. Whatever. I can say my 2006 was a hell of a year. By all means. Very good and very bad, with some success, and with failure. Oh, in a poetic way I can write my inner worlds were burning. More than years before, I guess. Kept burning. And you know that fire can be so nice, cosy and pleasant as well as it can be dangerous, destructive, and it can cause pain... with such many-faced flames my worlds have been burning. I can be so creative. And so destructive too.

Memories. Making a resume of some past brings out various memories. Once I have found out those good memories start to hurt me if the present has turned different. Like if the present is dull, empty, bitter. In general I somehow cannot look back on something that once was good with sweet remembrance. The lack feels too big, the missing too strong. Remembering some good past cannot make my reality better. Such remembrance makes the present looking even more sad, oh my.

Changes. I have always had troubles with those. Well, not if the situation changes for better. If the situation turns better, I can remember bad things that have passed with no harm, thus thinking over my development. But if things turn different, for worse, more bitter, then... I just cannot recall all the good that has passed without feeling that sting in my heart. In this case, the gap between what once was and now does not exist anymore, that kind of a gap and all those memories burning within it... well, that hurts as hell.

SATURDAYS OUT

Saturday evening. And Kaneli sits infront of the comp. Still slightly sick. Oh, this lousy physical feeling provokes sadness too. Emo Kaneli. But she has obligations next week; this health condition needs to get better. So she rather stayed at home to enjoy lazy and boring in-front-of-the-telly-or-comp evening. Yet now she can reveal where she would go if feeling better.

It seems some of my friends and me have grown a habit. There is a bar which turns into undergroundish sub-cultural meeting place. Every Saturday; for a year now. Some years ago similar metal-evenings occured on Mondays in another, now abandoned place. Oh c'mon, Mondays. However, this location and timing seem much better. Even without a crowd of metal fans the place is not any fancy hole for fancy youngsters. Please observe a part of the bar's wall on this very artistic picture I once took. It is a cosy place in it's special shabby way. This Fabrka (meaning Fact'ry). Or to be precise: Metal-Evenings, actually Devil's Hours, in Fabrka.

As expected there is various metal played all evening, we drink everything, from coffee to vodka, and we chat. Yeah well, what else to do. And eat crisps we smuggle in. Until those guys downstairs do not start to shout ''Last orders!'' as loud as the end of the world would be approaching. Sometimes people spill beer on us or our coats. Sometimes our chats turn so very girlish. Hei, one nice group of hellcats we are! And then some of us gets happy when one preferred band happens to be played. Well, it is somehow different if metal fan's preferred band is played within metal-evening. In a way it really feels more special than playing it at home...

RISE AND SHINE

Here it is. The very new year. Huh, I feel I should be writing some very deep words. Yet I feel empty these days. So I will just write out from this emptiness. Let's do some bloggy personal blah-blah first. The New Year's Eve party I was in with my friends was alright. Thanks again for relaxed evening. Which lasted until late morning. Also I guess it will be hard to forget those rockets the neighbours had. Just imagine, there were some very shiny rockets that produced very special screams while flying. The screams sounded as one would keep sending crying babies into the sky. Kafka as well as Munch-like celebration. I am only slightly ashamed since I fall asleep so nicely on that sofa in the middle of jolly crowd, hehe. Then Eläkeläiset woke me up for a while again. Oh, and later I had some strange science-fiction dreams. Actually I think I had never had science-fiction dreams before.

This week I have got slightly sick. Of course this week, when trainings started. And I have felt hectic. For the first, I blame those nasty viruses, for the second this future I have to plan, somehow. Apply for some stuff, do something, be more active, write, just do it.

Okay, now let's move to some bigger blah-blah one can get just everywhere in Slovenia. New year has started to shine whit the glow of Slovenian euro coins we in this country are now obliged to use. Yeah, now we seem to be a part of great Europe indeed. Whatever. But how do I feel this euro thingies? Perhaps it is too soon for me to judge about this change more seriously. Well, I have never been so very much attached to my own country. Still all of a sudden it feels kind of... strange. Interesting as well as odd. And yes, people are confused a bit. Also some guys with the stall in the middle of Ljubljana seem to be making huge business with the sell of those special euro wallets and, as they shout, cheap euro calculators.

So euro we have. Good luck. Hei, but more I await the time I will travel again, thus spreading these funny coins with lots of Slovenian words around other parts of Europe.