Tuesday, December 12, 2006


No big neither profound words today. This is an ego-entry, pure egotistic emo, I warn you. And perhaps I am writing from one sudden moment of despair. I have realised several times I am a person that is overdoing situations. Hei, afterall I have studied drama, right? But seriously. I can react very emotionally on some small things as well as I can torture myself for a long, too long time, thinking stuff over and over again. How I fucked up and all that. I am a highly educated person with several awards (oh my, what the fuck), I know there is no point in constant self-torture. What has happened, has already happened. Oh, and this highly educated self-confident person just totally sucks in communication. Despite she has studied drama (dialogs). And despite she is able to write such magic dialogs that can really amaze public (at least so she was told).

Some things just do not pass away that bloody easily, no matter how much I try. Convert, change, move further. Stay cool, stay cold, stay calm. Do your work. Live your life. Walk the path. Feel zen. A flower falls, even though we love it. A weed grows even though we do not love it.

In this case, time is everything that moves. Nothing else, just the time moves. Without proper, decent, not that bitter solution. I try so very hard, but nope, no go, still no go. No matter how much I try to be aware of the danger I might be overdoing situation again. Overdo in the sense that I see things much worse than they actually are. Yep, I really seem to be a master of various scripts; well, they are all doomy-gloomy bleak. Though sometimes things really hurt, and that's it. Things just hurt. No overdoing, real pain. Reality that sucks. Deal with this pain yourself... okay, yes, but how?! I cannot no longer. Such samurai I am. Yet I guess those samurais were also not very skilled when there was some simmilar emo-shit going on...

Huh, shall I now drink all that Kossu vodka - SALMARI I still happen to have in my cupboard...?


alcessa said...

This is a profound writing if I ever saw one... Look, I've been becoming less and less sensitive (please, do insert another word, if you don't like this one) as time goes by and it is quite useful, because it helps me manage the everday life. BUT: my so-called artistic output (just hobbies, nothing serious) has been drying out, becoming more and more decorative rather than surprising, cajoling, interesting... Now, you are an artist - maybe being really sensible, pragmatic, predominantly dead to shades of emotion - maybe this is not/should not be your... aim? Way of life?

kaneli said...

Hei Alcessa

Title: Sense and Sensibility ;)

Thanks for the comment. I am not sure if I understand it completely.I am sorry for this, I am moody and thus my brain does not work properly :). But let me try to answer... I hope I will be clear enough. Brainstorming.

So you say I should insist in being sensible/sensitive or not? Sensibility like my way of life? Indeed I do create out of the fact I am sensitive. Too sensitive by all means. Hurt very quickly, oh my. Considering the pain, I would like to awoid this sensibility...

Sometimes even the prize given for an artistic work could not cure the pain. I guess. I slightly know.

No doubt that I create out of strong sensibility. I think all of the plays I have done so far are very personal. Understandable. Where else did Kafka get that cute beetle from, if not out of his personal experiences, emotions, troubels, pain?

Still I am fed up with the fact I have to suffer... and then I write something good out of this practicular suffer. I do not seek suffer, not at all. It just happens too often, yuck. And really too bad I was able to complete my latest play after some bitter events. That I still feel today and just cannot forget,convert, transform... eh.

And then the audience says: oh my, you are so young... yet writing such serious plays, so serious themes and all. :)

Without those bitter events, my latest play would not be that good as it is, perhaps; yet I am fed up of such ''inspirative bitterness''.

Huh, I really do not want to appear emotionally overdone here... :)

alcessa said...

Hei Kaneli,

you did understand what I meant (I never have been very good at explaining such things so I'm a bit careful).
Someone said once in a literature course I attended laughter and crying are two very similar things and there are people who laugh because they need to cry - to put it in a less pathetic way: we all agreed that humour and the resulting laughter are a good way of concealing, even doing away with melancholy or whatever one wants to call it. Suffering.

Banshee said...

Hojla, samo nacukat se ga ne, ker potem bo kasneje še slabše! ;) Meni so ful pomagale knjige, ki govorijo o pozitivnem mišljenju in o tem, kako lahko zavestno spreminjamo svoje mišljenje in čustva. En od znanih takih "new age" pisateljic je Louise Hay, drugače pa je teh knjig na stotine v knjigarnah. Trenutno prebiram po poglavjih Življenski diamant od Roya Goreye. Včasih se mogoče take knjige zdijo malo naivne in trivijalne, ampak če si človek z njimi lahko zares pomaga - hej - zakaj pa ne?! ;)

kaneli said...

From the flames, I walk away
I've found a way to erase the pain
An empty bottle, my receptacle
A guardian angel called escape
(Anathema - Cries On The Wind);)

Thanks for another thought. Yes, I know about this ''try-to-take-it-more-easy''. Usually I try, at least somehow... yet it does not always work. Huh, there is one long story here. :)

Also nanbudo-practice helps. At least that hour and a half while the training goes on. Three times a week.

Hvala! Hei, saj menda že veš, da berem knjigo ''Kako najti pravega in se izogniti napačnemu?'' ;) - torej zna biti takšna literatura čisto ok. Oziroma je ne podcenjujem, hehe. Seveda moraš jemati vse skupaj malce z rezervo in presoditi, kaj res koristi...

No, nacukala se ga verjetno ne bom. Vsaj ne v tako veliki meri, hehe. Ker itak bom/bi dol padla že po enem navadnem odmerku vodke, kaj šele, če bi se lotila cele steklenice.

alcessa said...

Kaneli, I didn't really mean taking it easier. There are things that cannot be taken easy, at least not immediately. But there seems to be a point where suffering becomes ...well, hilarious. Where you laugh at the stupidity of it all. Maybe one needs to be cynicyl to be able to do that, I have no idea. But I know the switching point very well...

kaneli said...

Oh, in this practicular case I so hope I will be able to find the switching point... actually, I can say I have been searching for it but... well, I hope I will find it, really. Yet life still sucks at the moment. Eh.

And I have say thanks to all of those friends who have been listening to me so far, thus offering me a shoulder to cry on (if I may use this ''overdone'' phrase). :)

alcessa said...

I'm convinced there are many people of the listening kind in the world and everyone deserves at least one if necessary - you know, because what you tell them you actually also need to verbalise to yourself to "cope" with it (cope meaning everything from understand, act upon, decline, ridicule......) I am also sure one gets enough opportunities in life to listen to others, thus creating an equilibrium so much needed. I'd say: live your emotions and think about them. You'll need the knowledge later.

kaneli said...

I do think a lot about emotions. This year especially... it was not an easy year by all means. Trying to find out the line between my overdone overdoing, between my fears, and reality. Those bitter scripts I write in my head. About the future, considering the past and all.

Yes, I do hope I will get useful experiences out of all this. Despite this pain and melancholy, argh!

kaneli said...

Also something. :)

My friend said to me: Kaneli, you are lovely,smart and naive. One should outgrow this naivity, reaching into higher stage. Reaching into new naivity; yet this new naivity now turns smarter.

Hopefully not too complicated as I try to translate.