PETTYMYKSIÄ RAKKAUDESSA

Jäätelöannos Helsingissä maksaa 2.50 euroa. Siellä Forumissa; Helsingin Jäätelö-Tehdään jäätelö. Tässä hauskassa maassa jäätelöannos pääkaupungissa maksaa, niin, totta - 0.86 euroa, jos otetaan huomion sen alhaalla olevan euro-kalkyylin. Vaikka onkin totta että slovenialainen ''halpa'' jäätelöannos näyttää pienemmalta kuin se Helsingissä.

Mielestäni jäätelö on oikein tarkea asia elämässä. Yleensä. Jäätelö on oikein tarkea asia myös minun elämässäni. Luullakseni (vain luullakseni, huom!) nanbudoharjoituksen takia en koskaan tule lihavaksi; siis menen syömään jäätelöä usein. Olen huomannut pari uutta paikkaa, jolta voidaan ostaa erikoisesti hyvän jäätelön.

Huh-hah-hei meille maistuu jäätelö huh-hah-hei...

Helsingissä olen löytänyt kaneli-omena maun. Katso kuvasta. Onpa ollut muita makuja - mutta aivan sama minulle. Jos puhutaan jäätelöstä, sitten voidaan sanoa että erikoista maku on jäätelön suurta salaisuus. Parasta salaisuus.

Maun täytyy olla taikamaku.

Joskus jäätelö todella tulee taianomaiseksi. Kaikki tuskat häviävät kun syödään jäätelöä. Yksi jäätelö - ja tuskat ovat heti häviämässä. Harmi vain että tämä tunnelma ei kestä niin kauan kuin joku haluaisi...

Ai jäätelö, rakkauteni...

Pelkään hiukan. Pelkään siitä että jäätelö on lääkeeni. Lääke, joka helpottaa hyvin niitä erikoisia kipuja. Niitä erikoisia ongelmia... joista minun on melko vaikea kertoa.

DOING IT RIGHT

The photo shows how a Nanbudoist, the one who trains Nanbudo, should not wear her/his Nanbudo Gi, the kimono. Thus meaning the white T-shirt, which can be clearly seen, being longer than the upper part, clumsily hanging out.

Just behold it. So clumsy. Careless. Ugly. Not the right way of wearing a Nanbudo Gi. The T-shirt should be put under the pants to be hidden properly.

Since I am criticising myself here on the photo, I could be even more mean. The photo has been taken this July on the beach of Playa d'Aro, Spain, during the main Nanbudo seminar. Well, I actually have a green belt now... but all that does not really matter here. It is something else I want to write about. I managed to do a row of quite nasty mistakes there in Spain. Thus bearing in mind not only the T-shirt, but some other, perhaps even more ugly stuff. So, thoughts have emerged. Doing it right, doing it wrong. I guess one's life is restricted with lots and lots on rules. Almost every second, one has to be more than aware of her/his actions. And so, there happens this constant am-I-doing-it-right? feeling. This constant fear. When one comes to the point of realising, she/he was actually doing things wrong, though she/he has been thinking things had been done totally right... well, this is shitty.

Once I was told there is no rule for an emerge of a good relationship. Things should happen naturally. However... still one has to do something, that the good relationship appears, right? Not just stand still in silence. Stand in silence and smile, that would be slightly better.

One has to interact. One has to communicate. And then - how to interact and communicate? Mistakes can be done far too easily, without even being aware one is actually doing a huge mistake.

The road to Hell is made out of pure good purposes. Far too often.

Mistakes are more than willing to show their effects. Nasty consequences and all.

Within one's trying hard, there is always this doing-it-right doubt. After a bunch of punches and kicks (meaning this symbolically, not as those real Nanbudo punches and kicks), one starts to lose the sisu.

Punches and kicks have to be, though. How else one could learn doing it right? After being hit badly a couple of times, one should be able to realise the defence is not-done-right.

Is it better to try hard doing-it-right, despite the risk of a painful punch or a painful kick, despite the risk of failing, despite the risk of doing-it-wrong... ? Or is it better to sit, think what should be right... and not try anything, nothing at all?

From several reasons I feel much better if I wear the T-shirt under my Gi. Now, after wearing it wrong, being told that I had done it wrong (as well as seeing this photo), well now at least I have learned how to wear it properly. How to do it right. And it feels great!

Still, it is much more easy to put a T-shirt under the pants than try to fix some other, more serious mistakes...

SISU

''Oh, Gifu, how nice, thanks,'' said most people given the box. When I first heard for sisu, I have easily mistaken it for susi, a wolf. Talking about Finnish language here. Well, so what does this sisu mean? Those small ''Gifu'' boxes belong to candies. Not hard to guess the candies are Finnish; they are supposed to be good for our throats. I like them pretty much, those in red sokton-labeled box. So, Sisu candies.

But the real sisu is not about candies. Do I really understand the meaning of Finnish sisu? I guess - no. I am not a Finn, I have not been born into the culture of sisu. And I am a bit naive.

To have the sisu. To own a wolf, then...?

Sisu can be described as a very special phenomena; not that simple thing at all. One word would not be enough when trying to capture the meaning of sisu. I will (roughly) agree with the following definition. Sisu means will and decisiveness to get the things done against impossible odds, or to succeed even when the chance is slim to make it. Stamina, guts, pride. Resistance. Not-giving-up position.

Stubborness; hei, sometimes even too strong stubborness. Self-confidence. Insisting in walking one's own way, no matter what the world around says. No matter what the world around does to the one. No matter what the world asks from this one. Walking one's own way untill the one reaches the final goal successfully. And gets what was wanted.

Back to some past trying-too-hard-for-what, really? thoughts. Sisu as insisting in trying hard, even if the situation seems hopeless. Still, it might seem hopeless just at this very moment... who knows what future can bring, right? So, just keep up one's good sisu, try hard still, no matter how hopeless it seems, no matter that life actually sucks.

Just keep on going. Just don't give up.

But, on the other hand - keep one's softeness and, especially, flexibility within. Not to become implacable, not to get stuck into one option only, not to be able to see all other possibilities around. Can this be the meaning of one's sisu?

ENDOR METAL MEDIEVAL

I have this bunch of friends. May I call them my metal friends? Well, I am a metal fan myself, and there are lots of metal fans all around that do not fit into this category. Lets be precise. So may I call them my medieval friends... or, even better, my Endor friends since Endor stands for Tolkien's Middle-earth in Elvish.

Oh, I am so bad in giving compliments. Through Slovenian Tolkien Society, I have happened to meet some really great people. I have got so much from them - music, trips, knowledge, company, rides home, and, in last times - support aswell.

Thanks again to my Endor-metal-medieval friends who were able to visit the rehearsed reading of my new play. Thanks aswell to those who wanted to come but did not succeede... well, just thanks to everybody.

This weekend, the first autum weekend, we spent some nice time together again. There was this medieval event in Skofja Loka; The Days of European Cultural Heritage. We were representing a medieval camp, some in our medieval clothes, some just with our presence. Not to mention the night before the exact event, when some of us had that late-night fire and all kinds of sausages (thus meaning vegeterian as well) in the camp.

Now, two from these friends are preparing a birthday party. It will happen in the beginning of October. Last year, such party also happened. And it was a good, proper party.

This is the way, Ajda and Meta - I am so looking forward to this party!

On the photo, there are Ajda and Meta dealing with the funny-shaped cake they were given.

EGOTRIP

Ice-cube
No matter how soft I feel myself - I always hit the ground as a cube of ice.

Plays
Would I write such plays if the world would be better as it is in the plays? I guess I would write different plays. What the fuck, the world is as my plays are mirroring it.
Hei, why do I stil wonder?

Trying hard

I don't know. I guess, in this world as it it, it does not count if one is trying hard, doing her/his best.
Trying hard counts as nothing.
Those who win seem not so trying-hard.
Or am I still not trying hard enough? Or am I trying hard in a wrong way...
Se on minulle herttaisen yhdentekevää!

Being right
Maybe I sometimes happen to know/feel the truth.
Tiedän olevani oikeassa!

Lonelyness
Yes, I have friends. Very good, great friends. Yes, I do go out. Still - I feel so fucking lonely these days. Different kind of lonelyness this is, no doubt.

Fed up
With everything. Not feel like explaining this into details.

Chocholate
Big Fazer with mint crisps.
Maailman paras suklaa.

Animal Planet
I have not been able to sleep very well last days. This is what I watch late at night. Yesterday, there was some stuff about polar bears. And there is some very stupid American show, the Planet's Funniest Animals. Those pets are just nevrotic! And then, there was this guy with tamed moose. The moose was walking peacefully around the house; it actually went to sleep on the bed. Insane.

I am
I am what I am. This is what I am.
I walk some way, though.

This is my egotrip.

And there is some moose shit on the photo.

RANDOM FINLAND

The Fake Finn

People on the road happen to ask me something, every now and then. Like where is a street and so on. They talk to me in Finnish. It happens also in the shops. So, do I look like a Finn? Or better... I seem not to be much destinctive from the Finns around. Well, I must addmit, I am sort of happy when I am ´´mistaken´´ for a Finn. And I really do not want to write on my national identity at this moment. What my own language means to me - this is different. I am really, really proud to speak Slovenian, this small and so special language. But what my country means to me... I'll repeat, I don't want to write on this. Like this, so with being accepted as a Finn, I can have some short conversation in Finnish; at least I get something, I mean, I understand. Fuck this, I am proud that I am mistaken for a Finn!

West meets East

I remember how we were tripping to shop in Italy or in Austria. In the eighties. At that time, there was, for instance, a lack of coffee... or a lack of chocholate... in late Yugoslavia, I mean. So we poor Easterns were tripping behind borders of the rich West. And there was like... everything. Goods. Sweets, coffe, clothes, pencils, school-bags... whatever. Oh, that taste of Milka chocholate from those times... never the same now, when Milka is like totally everywhere. For us, West was as a promissed land.

Times have changed. Regimes have changed.Consuming society and comercialism.

Finns regularly trip over the sea. To the East. Short trip this is. There is Estonina. The capital Tallin.From Tallin, the Finns return with huge packets of alchohol. Food. Clothes. Goods. Well, drinks mostly.All of a sudden, poor East seems a paradise for rich West. Things that they almost can´t afford in their own country, for Finns seem to be more than avaliable in Estonia. Promissed land. Milka.And prices of the food and drinks in Tallin are really low, I must addmit. Low even from the ''poor Eastern'' point of view.

Emotions, part one

Today, I went to Hämeenlinna. Small town with a medieval castle. There happened to be a medieval fair as well, and there was one lady sellingher crafts. So I heard this lady telling on emotions. I guess she was talking about Finnish men. ´´My husband has severe difficulties when it comes to expressing emotions. Once I asked him to write down ten reasons why he loves me... he managed to write two...for him, it´s really so difficult to express any emotions.´´

Emotions, part two

Yesterday on the boat I saw a young Finnish couple, in their very early twenties, perhaps. She huged him, she kissed him... but he just stood there. As cold as ice he seemed. I don´t totally think there was something wrong within that practicular couple... or maybe. It´s just the fact that she seemed to like him a lot, but he remained so cold. Latter, I saw them sitting on a bus together, that was okay, but when they got off, he didn´t wait for her; he went walking ahead.

Emotions, part three

Katatonia.

Lonelyness

Tänä viikonlopuna olen ollut niin yksin kuin hiisi metsässä.

So far, I did all my trips here alone. Totally alone. Well, I have a very nice room-mate, but she is in another course, different tasks, work during weekend. And at first, I enjoyed this lonelyness. Or at least I thought I would enjoy it. But now... it seems to hurt as hell. All the time I do something wrong. I accept wrong decisions, I choose wrong ways, wrong restaurants, wrong shops... I would really need somebody beside me. Cause I know there would come a time when that somebody would need me as well within these trips. Somevody, who would tell me- hei, don´t do this, this is not good, you´ll take a wrong decisions... like ´´more heads know more´´... but no, I am totally alone.I have traveled half a world on my one... dear god... really...

Yes - I have friends. It is just that my friends happen to have busy lives... or different plans, jobs and so on. Money is also big problem; I have had a lot of luck with all these scholarships. Yes, even for Iceland Hallmar Sigurdhsson got a ''cultural'' support for me...

Well, I really hope me and my friends will manage to agree once and travel together somewhere more far away.Now, I am fed up with this lonelyness. I am too old for it or something; I remember that in the past, I coped quite well travelling alone. But now... now this lonelyness hurts. Oh I am so sorry that it hurts.

Shitty Lonely Planet

Yes, Lonely Planet Finland seems totally shitty. It recomends fancy and expencive restaurants, expencive trips, not enough information... I used to be more satisfied with some other Lonely Planet editions; on Iceland, for instance.

Coffee

As it is written in my shitty Lonely Planet - Helsinki are the kahvi drinking capital of Europe. Like that the Finns drink great amounts of coffee. Since I got here, I have noticed, that I also drink more coffee than at home. I can easily sleep even after a coffee here; actually, sometimes I have severe difficulties with keeping myself awake.

It must be something in the climate, really. No wonder that the Finns drink so much coffee.

Kurjenrahka

Today, it is exactly a week from a great trip to Kurjenrahka national park - kansallispuisto. Today, I remember this trip with... melancholy and a bit of... longing. Hard for me to write more on this, actually.

Niin kuin ihme tämä retki oli. Kiitoksia taas, suomalainen ystäväni!

Helsinki

Kaneli-omena. This is the taste of the city. So, cinnamon-apple. Strange, but visiting some other cities, I noticed I had been missing Helsinki. Funny relationship we have, Helsinki and me. First it was a big love, then I just couldn't stand living there; I had to get out, if I only remember my first week. Then I felt good in Helsinki again. Then I had to get out again. And so on - many times. There and back again.

I miss Helsinki again.

Vana Tallin

The drink I brought from Estonia. Via Finland I brought it home. Drank this Vana Tallin in Finland, drank it while waiting for the train in Vienna. Sweet and tasty. Small bottle it was, very, very small... nevertheless...

Yep, it seems this writer here has started to drink. Oh dear.

But my life has not been that sterile, no matter how all this looks like. I didn't want to drink from...many reasons. I really don't want to write on that reasons; who cares, anyway. I had this plan I will slowely start to taste alco. And so I did. I still cannot drink vine, though it is considered to be very healthy... at least in reasonable portions... but destiled alco, that goes quite easy.

Like it or not - I feel a bit better after a few sips. Well, bitter truth... or not that bitter.

Sweet as Vana Tallin.

At least now I know how to drown down my sorrow!

Hehe.

Water

Finland has the fifth best drinking water. In the world. That's totally true. The tab-water in Helsinki tasted so fresh. So cool and clear.

From Raisio, I happened to bring home some water in my Estonian plastic bottle. Non-intentionaly, to be precise; on the road, I bought some juice (to get some C vitamin) and I did not drink that much water.

With that remnant of Finnish water, I have watered my plant.

Jäniksen vuosi

All of a sudden, I happen to have a bunch of books in Finnish.

I don't want to tell how much I've spent on them; I guess it is still better to buy books than some other stupidities. In case of buying books, one feels less shallow. One feels less shallow even in case of writing about books. These are books in Finnish... this is almost the highest not-being-shallow point. One also feels less shallow if this one is able to understand such special language. So that this one can go and buy books in this practicular language... and so on. Now I have some nice Finnish books at home. Two textbooks, two dictionaries, a Finnish grammar, and one Paasilinna. To repeat - in Finnish.

I started to read The Rabbit's Year today. I could really learn on irony and humor from Arto Paasilinna.

Get a life

I am trying to.

Trying hard. I have been trying to get a life all the time in Finland. Now, I will try to continue.

On missing

Totta puhuakseni - minulla on ikävä Suomenmaata.

FIRST - THE BEST OF

Hei!

Why I decided to open this kind of a blog? I actually don't know.

I just feel like writing.

I always feel like writing. Something.

I have had an online diary before. Soon it will be exactly one year since I have been an editor of my almost private blog. It was nothing special, that Open Diary. Though I have become quite attached to it.

Slightly inspired by my friend Aelfsciene, I have chosen this blog page. Easy to edit, that was the main advantage. Now, my diary will also include some photos... and we will see what else.

Let's start with some thoughts from my first online diary.

The thoughts that will follow were written in Finland, and then also when I returned home.

Thoughts in Finland on Finland, thoughts at home while thinking about Finland again.

Finland happened to be my gratest trip this summer.

This is, I guess, the best of my previous blog - brlog - the lair.