PRAKTIČNA PRISPODOBA

pasji kakec - koiran kakka

Tämä on perseestä. V finščini to pomeni, da je nekaj zanič, bedno, this sucks. V dobesednem prevodu bi stavek pomenil, da je nekaj iz riti oziroma dejansko to je iz riti. V slovenščini pa bi rekli, da je nekaj za en drek. Kakorkoli, domnevam, da obe kulturi ter njuna tukaj zabeležena izraza nezadovoljstva opisujeta eno in isto - bolj ali manj neposredno.

P.S.: Današnji dan je bil popolnoma zanič in zoprn. Za en drek. Ihan perseestä!

MARRASKUUN LOPPU

Meillä on lunta ja mulla on pimeys sydämessä...

KUU, MARRASKUU

Kuuta vasten voi nähdä suden ulvovan... (Viikate - Pohjoista Viljaa)

The week before the one just passed was very good. There was like some magic in the air; I do not feel like explaining it into details, it is even hard to explain. Just great week it was. However, this week, things have changed. Yesterday it was really a strange day; nothing did not work out as I would like, and I also had some bitter moments of reminiscence. So it happens, every now and then. That tense atmosphere.

Today in the violet colours of the darkening afternoon I looked into the sky. I saw the moon. Full moon. Now I understand yesterday's inner confusion, yesterday's increased sensitivity. And I am howling as a wolf...

MOODY CRISIS

The weather here is amazing. It just changes so fast, over the night, almost. It seems one day cannot predict another. Yesterday, it was bright sunny day, and as I walked along the lake Jyväsjärvi it felt like it would be the sea. So blue, glittering in the sunlight. And the air was so warm. Is this Finland or what?

Well, yes, it is. Today it is raining. Grey rain. Autumn rain.

Despite there was no rain seen yesterday, I was able to predict today's weather. I always get a bit cranky when the weather is about to change. Yesterday, my moodiness started in the morning already. So, what was the problem? I am not homesick, surprisingly. Computerised technology works well for me. Mobile phones and the Internet. Also, here I am much more active than at home, my life is getting some kind of a sense again. The most I miss my friends, like their live presence, and I miss Nanbudo trainings. The problem yesterday was that I started to recall some past again. Some things I would not like to recall. But it just occurs. It still occurs, better to say. And I just hate it, yet there is nothing I can do. I can only write K into the waters of Jyväsjärvi: K which stands for crisis.

It also seems one starts drinking in Finland. Partly kidding here. Nevertheless the first strong alco I have tasted was Finnish, after my first visit to Finland. However, yesterday, I bought a small bottle of Wild Strawberry Liqueur. Not that strong anyway. Starting to enjoy my real student life, heh. As I felt so moody, I had hoped a sip of that sweet drink would have helped. Well, far from it. It was just a sip, really, but that sweet taste made the bitterness even stronger.

This past is all about the fact I was at one point a part of somebody's life. Or better, the one was a part of my life. Then, things have changed. It seems I do not exist for that one no longer. How easy it seems to replace one person. In this case, I suppose I have been easily replaced and forgotten. As I have never even been present.

I guess such stuff is common, people come and go, but I am dealing with it for the first time. At least in such a way. Or, fuck, everything has changed, and contemporary times are just crazy. This superficiality of human relations has always hurt me; as an observer, and of course much more when being involved. How things seem worthless at one point; how the past seems worthless.

How can one so easily forget the other? How can one so easily replace a person? I keep seeking for some kind of true relations. Deep relations. It is not about one and her/his needs only, it is about the equal two. Also, I can be seriously involved with only a few people during my whole life. I can be alone for a long time, I do not care. I do not need so called partner only because I am supposed to have one. Neither to show off around my friends with my gorgeous catch, nor to build up my self-esteem. I cannot forget the past via new relationships; I cannot establish a new relationship just to forget the shitty one. Whatever. I would just like to get over that old stuff. I would like to be the one forgetting, replacing with ease. But I would also like to renew the communication I have once had. However, on the other hand, I am afraid it is pointless.

The conclusion is I would rather not drink when feeling cranky. It just makes things worse.

IN AUGUST

First day of August has filled me with... some feelings I cannot even name properly. Several of them, I could say. ''One person can't feel that much at once, they'd explode!" Well, I also think I do not have an emotional range of a teaspoon. My life might change quite at the end of this particular month. I will keep this still in silence, for now. But I am restless... anxious and all that.

The second thing is that I was thinking a lot about relations again. Human relations and communication. I was thinking about strong bonds between people - those strong bonds that are suddenly broken. Well yes, break-ups, or friendships that stop functioning. Things like that. Like one would be in contact with some person for some period of time, one would share a part of a life with the other... there would be phone calls, letters, visits, dates, whatever. Then, things would change. One person very present would become one person very absent. Why this just happens, how it just happens? These changes. From love to hate, from intimacy to alienation, from friendship to nothing. I am old enough, I should get used of things passing already... emotions passing... of the fact that the change is the only constant in the world... yet such facts hurt me. Either if I observe them in my surroundings, or if I experience them myself. Alright, of course it hurts me more when it is all about me.

Some absences leave the feeling of emptiness. They leave words in mouth, words that will, perhaps, remain untold. Stories you would like to share, thoughts, feelings, events. The habit of reporting on yourself to somebody is broken. The habit of sharing the life with the other is gone. The habit of knowing how the other is doing, this is gone, too. At one point, break-up of whatever kind of relationship can feel as a relief, even as an end of suffering. Still, after some time, the missing can appear. Well, while one misses, the other perhaps does not care that much or... whatever. But at least one can feel the lack. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling of absence. A wish the communication would be back. And doubts, how the fuck things could function again...

DROWSY

Some months ago, I was crying there is no proper work for me. These days, I have so much to do. Work, I mean. Well, sure I should be writing something else right now, not this blog... Yet I have nice writer's block at the moment; I am trying to get rid of it here. And I will fetch some chocolate latter. I guess there is still one with vanilla liqueur filling somewhere... However, this sort of artsy life of mine seems ironical. Either there is nothing at all. Either there is a pile of things and projects at once.

This week, I have been browsing through my old files. I have found this poem I have written a couple of months ago. I don't know, I think I could do it better. And yes, I felt shitty while writing. Whatever. It is a poem I have written after a long no-writing-poems time. So, here it is.

Drowsy I try to grasp reality
In my mouth, strange words as stones
In my eyes, dear friends as vultures
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
Shadows of my mind, decaying
Images of distant me, dissolving
The real me I have never been
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
Dreams of frozen happiness
Euphoric sleep of craziness
Awaking, awaking, awaiting
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
There is the waste land I should walk
Vulture-like shadow I should stalk
Pursue the path of perished past
Hallucinations that will blast
Inside my head as blissful nothing
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
Me, just hopeless case of change

LOOK BACK IN ANGER

What the fuck is going on with me? Lately, I have felt lots of anger. I have been pissed off; this phrase describes my state of mind the best. Pissed off, argh! Argh and argh again. I am not sure... do I allow myself now to feel that anger, am I more aware of my feelings? Put these feelings out, scream them loud into the air, thus let them vanish, not swallow them down. I am turning into perfect angry young man. Okay, woman. But, Jimmy Porter, darling, you are here only a distant metaphor one angry writer is (ab)using. However, the anger I feel, is like my... inner fire. It burns. Burns, burns. I am just angry.

Perhaps, I am fed up with the overall current situation. My own situation, mostly. Like too many shitty things just piling up, one after the other. During the last two Nanbudo trainings, last Thursday and today, it happened so that there was just not enough space for practice. I do not feel like explaining these things into details: there was not enough space, period. Three different groups in one dojo, too many people, and my group was dealing with a technique that requires proper space. Now, I have felt this sting in my heart for months, actually. All I can say is that last year, things were very much better. This year, I have felt useless and not-good-enough. And this hurts, too. Motivation consuming pain. I cannot just get over it in peace, fuck all philosophy. I am only human. Weirdo me, with that belt of mine, just staying at one point. Okay, my today's anger has turned into a few tears at the end of the practice... oh my, what's going on with me, eh?

Somehow, I do not like myself when being angry. I feel stupid, yet I just keep going it on. I have noticed that I start to behave like a... child. Punky and trashy child. A brat. I start to revolt. I become cynical. Within myself, I lose motivation. Happiness gone. To Hell with everything! Life sucks and it is so unfair... yep, life seems so unfair indeed. These words burn within my angry thoughts...

What I have written down, is an example of my current anger. Childish or not, here it is, I feel it. There are other things as well. Various people I work with pissing me off just perfectly, ignorance, clumsy organization, egoism, intolerance and so on. Yet lately... I do not know. I would so like to change things. Overall, I feel like I am so trying to do all that I can, but still nothing moves. Idle running. Many things piling up. Yeah, I smile and laugh too, of course I do. But, fuck, I am so fed up with everything.

Alright. Last Saturday, I wrote to my friend that I had not been much into trash these days. And I can add hardcore, too, sice I am more superficial with these particular genres. However, today has started... with listening to Hatebreed and Mokoma again, together with some wrathy-evil black metal, like Emperor and Rotting Christ. Hell, I am angry!

ELEGY

Hei, dear all. Some time has passed again. I have been thinking to write about other more jolly things, how I have been doing and working within the last two weeks, and also about Nárëlaimë's birthday party... but later this day, I have turned so... emo. Fuckin' emo. Actually, this feeling has started yesterday already. I was walking home in the evening, the streets were totally empty. There was this cold wind. My hair in the wind. The streetlights were casting my walking shadow. Later that night, I was writing one letter, slowly since I have been writing in Finnish, and the wind was getting stronger and stronger... howling in the darkness outside.

I knew well why the wind had been blowing. The weather has changed. Today, it has started to snow. It is still snowing. Wet snow. Heavy snow. I so like snow. I just love winter. But last week, the trees were already blooming; the spring has burst. Now, this sudden change. The trees have remained so white; yet there is now snow blooming heavily on their branches. So big snowflakes. During today's Nanbudo training, I happened to look out of the window. At some point I found myself staring into those big bits of the falling snow while I was thinking how much I prefer Kaiten Randori San No Kata rather than Randori San No Kata.

There was no proper snow during winter at all, but now... All city is as it would be melting slowly into this late snow. The city is loosing it's shape. Becoming one huge pile of faceless dampness... sneaking into my sweet black boots, pouring so cold down my neck.

Oh, the lights are twinkling. Snowy problems with the electricity; as in some distant Icelandic village. Or somewhere in the deep woods of Lapland. Well, I have already lightened my cinnamon-scented candle here besides the computer... and I think it is better to get back to my drowsy emo-mood before everything falls into this white darkness of the snow.

So, I wish you all lahko noč, sweet dreams and a bunch of good days.

THE WISH

Snow has gone. Some very odd things are going on lately, too. I only wonder and try to understand. Yet I would like some sudden silences to be explained... Sometimes I just cannot understand. I don't care for some things. For other, I care far too much. I try to do my best. Or I just think I am trying to do my best. Perhaps I have become slightly too superficial and lazy. God knows.

I would ride my bike on the forest tracks. I would start cross-country skiing again; years have passed since I have last been dealing with cross-country skiing. I would do Genki Nanbu Ichiban on the quiet lake-shore, as I remember me doing it (there was no people around).

In my two latest plays, characters go nuts all of a sudden, and they just leave. Everything behind. People, places; everything. They move, they go, they travel; or at least they try to move. They take a brake. Yep, I would need holidays, desperately. Just a week would be enough, a week in one different world, different city, wherever different. I would just go to... somewhere. But I start this job in February...

I would take a brake. I would take a deep breath.

There are things I have to think about. There is me I have to think about the most, I guess.

BURN THE REMEMBRANCE

Not in the training today. Viruses just keep bugging; they have managed to cause one lovely overall weakness. My mind also affected. So I will try to rest. And write.

For some time I have felt an urge to make kind of resume of the year just passed; I just could not make up my mind how to put things down properly. And perhaps I still cannot. Whatever. I can say my 2006 was a hell of a year. By all means. Very good and very bad, with some success, and with failure. Oh, in a poetic way I can write my inner worlds were burning. More than years before, I guess. Kept burning. And you know that fire can be so nice, cosy and pleasant as well as it can be dangerous, destructive, and it can cause pain... with such many-faced flames my worlds have been burning. I can be so creative. And so destructive too.

Memories. Making a resume of some past brings out various memories. Once I have found out those good memories start to hurt me if the present has turned different. Like if the present is dull, empty, bitter. In general I somehow cannot look back on something that once was good with sweet remembrance. The lack feels too big, the missing too strong. Remembering some good past cannot make my reality better. Such remembrance makes the present looking even more sad, oh my.

Changes. I have always had troubles with those. Well, not if the situation changes for better. If the situation turns better, I can remember bad things that have passed with no harm, thus thinking over my development. But if things turn different, for worse, more bitter, then... I just cannot recall all the good that has passed without feeling that sting in my heart. In this case, the gap between what once was and now does not exist anymore, that kind of a gap and all those memories burning within it... well, that hurts as hell.

JOLLY SEASON

Kaneli is sad again. Pissed off. Hurt. Tired. Doesn't feel like explaining too much. Who the fuck cares anyway. Well, if you would really like to know why, then ask me, heh. It was just a Hell of a day. By all means. Goddamned, voi saatana, prekleto!

The link posted below may be considered as sick and disturbing. And yes, it is sick, basically. Though here I am professional in various performative arts analysis. Film and similar media included. Also you probably already know I am able to overdo. I take things too bloody seriously. Even sick jokes. Even other kind of jokes.

So, you can say this cartoon you can check out below is just disgusting. Sick joke of some perverted mind. Yet as a graduated (oh my) professional I will take this thingie seriously. And I will dare to say it is possible to see beyond the sickness of this practicular cartoon. It shows very well the state of the world we live in. Sharply. Bitterly. Ironically. Oh, and of course it fits into this so jolly times.

People (including me), please be more nice and honest with eachother... oh, please do so, if possible...

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

A BOTTLE OF KOSSU

No big neither profound words today. This is an ego-entry, pure egotistic emo, I warn you. And perhaps I am writing from one sudden moment of despair. I have realised several times I am a person that is overdoing situations. Hei, afterall I have studied drama, right? But seriously. I can react very emotionally on some small things as well as I can torture myself for a long, too long time, thinking stuff over and over again. How I fucked up and all that. I am a highly educated person with several awards (oh my, what the fuck), I know there is no point in constant self-torture. What has happened, has already happened. Oh, and this highly educated self-confident person just totally sucks in communication. Despite she has studied drama (dialogs). And despite she is able to write such magic dialogs that can really amaze public (at least so she was told).

Some things just do not pass away that bloody easily, no matter how much I try. Convert, change, move further. Stay cool, stay cold, stay calm. Do your work. Live your life. Walk the path. Feel zen. A flower falls, even though we love it. A weed grows even though we do not love it.

In this case, time is everything that moves. Nothing else, just the time moves. Without proper, decent, not that bitter solution. I try so very hard, but nope, no go, still no go. No matter how much I try to be aware of the danger I might be overdoing situation again. Overdo in the sense that I see things much worse than they actually are. Yep, I really seem to be a master of various scripts; well, they are all doomy-gloomy bleak. Though sometimes things really hurt, and that's it. Things just hurt. No overdoing, real pain. Reality that sucks. Deal with this pain yourself... okay, yes, but how?! I cannot no longer. Such samurai I am. Yet I guess those samurais were also not very skilled when there was some simmilar emo-shit going on...

Huh, shall I now drink all that Kossu vodka - SALMARI I still happen to have in my cupboard...?

LETTERS NEVER SENT

Today I went to see a stage reading of one American play. During the play something occurred. Not on stage, though. All of a sudden I have started to cry. Watching the play, tears pouring down my cheeks quietly.

I have realised it was not the play that made me cry this evening. The play was neither that bad nor that sad. My thoughts were elsewhere, I did not even follow the play as I should. Self pity sick? Nope. Becoming an EMO? Oh, c'mon! Speaking seriously now. Some things are turning slightly too bitter... and that is what has caused the tears.

I remember a great performance I have seen in Helsinki. Performer LOIS WEAVER (in her show called Tammy) asked her audience, if we have ever written a letter we have later decided not to send. I usually do not feel like talking about my private life and my troubles infront of theatre audience, yet in this case... Lois (well, Tammy) seemed really kind and warm. Or perhaps I just needed some odd comfort, heh. Yep, Tammy, I actually happen to have some letters I have never sent. Lois said she would give me her e-mail address later, should I send those couple of letters to her. That is theatre; she has never given me her address. Too bad.

So those letters have remained unsent. There is just too many letters never sent in my life. Good as well as bad things. People I miss and I am afraid to tell this to the people. Wishes. Observations. Feelings. Decisions. Things I am so afraid to utter: should I tell this or not at all? Will I fuck things up (no matter how fucked up they already are) if I utter this? Now again it seems I am facing some very hard decision... so hard, not a pleasant one in this case... totally suitable for a letter, perhaps...

What on Earth should I do?

Oh, prekleto!

SLEEPLESS

I can't sleep. Strangely restless. Listening to VÄRTTINÄ.

The future is driving me mad. I am so fed up that I am such a dreamer. Dear and sweet naive lass, just grow up, realise, deal with everything! Yuck. Well, usually I try not to expect anything. In most cases I even expect the worst things to happen. Thus I am so happy when (or if) the things turn much better than expected. However, sometimes the worst really happens. And that hurts as Hell. Because it can be even worse as expected. So I am really trying not to expect anything, not to picture some wonderful future. I am also trying not to picture totally fucked-up future. It can be even worse; it can be also better, though. I am just trying to feel bare here-and-now as it is. Okay, at the very moment, this here-and-now is not pleasant.

The past too. Memories and all. What has happened together with what the fuck will happen. There are words I just cannot utter. Thoughts I am so afraid to reveal.

Distances. Great cold distance.

Time. Goddammned dreams.

My so dark side.

This sleepless night.

In one movie I have heard the following Japanese thought: When you go to war, do not expect neither victory nor defeat. Do not expect a thing.

BEYOND

Today, one small and simple event was enough. And down, just down it went again. Though I have been trying hard to keep up the good spirit. Nope, no go, it seems. If somethings are pushed back deliberately, pushed back to be forgotten, pushed back and denied, this nasty stuff will strike and burst out at some totally unexpected moment. So it seems. Fuckin' fed up with this by all means - but what can I do?

Oh, again I feel that I would go and just hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere. A cottage in the midst of the woods... yes, there should be forest. Nobody anywhere, just me and the trees. Silence. Sweet rustle. Meditation. Would I gain back my peace ?

I would know still very well, too very well, that the world is there beyond my middle of nowhere. I would be so aware of that, it seems. I would know there is the world, things going their own way, things changing all the time, there is nothing I can do; this would stay firmly in my mind. Every single moment in that middle of nowhere, I guess. Beyond my sweet nothing I would still feel the rest of the world. And the missing, this would stay. The missing would stay, no doubt. There in that cottage, in the midst of the forest. No escape. No escape possible; one carries her/his own hell within wherever this one goes. Wherever this one tries to hide. Nope, no go.

And what can I do? Still anything left I can do? I feel my words so weak, too weak; no power in my words anymore. I feel like I could split myself into halves; still nothing would change. Things just go their own way.

Time as it would slip through my fingers...

EGOTRIP

Ice-cube
No matter how soft I feel myself - I always hit the ground as a cube of ice.

Plays
Would I write such plays if the world would be better as it is in the plays? I guess I would write different plays. What the fuck, the world is as my plays are mirroring it.
Hei, why do I stil wonder?

Trying hard

I don't know. I guess, in this world as it it, it does not count if one is trying hard, doing her/his best.
Trying hard counts as nothing.
Those who win seem not so trying-hard.
Or am I still not trying hard enough? Or am I trying hard in a wrong way...
Se on minulle herttaisen yhdentekevää!

Being right
Maybe I sometimes happen to know/feel the truth.
Tiedän olevani oikeassa!

Lonelyness
Yes, I have friends. Very good, great friends. Yes, I do go out. Still - I feel so fucking lonely these days. Different kind of lonelyness this is, no doubt.

Fed up
With everything. Not feel like explaining this into details.

Chocholate
Big Fazer with mint crisps.
Maailman paras suklaa.

Animal Planet
I have not been able to sleep very well last days. This is what I watch late at night. Yesterday, there was some stuff about polar bears. And there is some very stupid American show, the Planet's Funniest Animals. Those pets are just nevrotic! And then, there was this guy with tamed moose. The moose was walking peacefully around the house; it actually went to sleep on the bed. Insane.

I am
I am what I am. This is what I am.
I walk some way, though.

This is my egotrip.

And there is some moose shit on the photo.