MOODY CRISIS

The weather here is amazing. It just changes so fast, over the night, almost. It seems one day cannot predict another. Yesterday, it was bright sunny day, and as I walked along the lake Jyväsjärvi it felt like it would be the sea. So blue, glittering in the sunlight. And the air was so warm. Is this Finland or what?

Well, yes, it is. Today it is raining. Grey rain. Autumn rain.

Despite there was no rain seen yesterday, I was able to predict today's weather. I always get a bit cranky when the weather is about to change. Yesterday, my moodiness started in the morning already. So, what was the problem? I am not homesick, surprisingly. Computerised technology works well for me. Mobile phones and the Internet. Also, here I am much more active than at home, my life is getting some kind of a sense again. The most I miss my friends, like their live presence, and I miss Nanbudo trainings. The problem yesterday was that I started to recall some past again. Some things I would not like to recall. But it just occurs. It still occurs, better to say. And I just hate it, yet there is nothing I can do. I can only write K into the waters of Jyväsjärvi: K which stands for crisis.

It also seems one starts drinking in Finland. Partly kidding here. Nevertheless the first strong alco I have tasted was Finnish, after my first visit to Finland. However, yesterday, I bought a small bottle of Wild Strawberry Liqueur. Not that strong anyway. Starting to enjoy my real student life, heh. As I felt so moody, I had hoped a sip of that sweet drink would have helped. Well, far from it. It was just a sip, really, but that sweet taste made the bitterness even stronger.

This past is all about the fact I was at one point a part of somebody's life. Or better, the one was a part of my life. Then, things have changed. It seems I do not exist for that one no longer. How easy it seems to replace one person. In this case, I suppose I have been easily replaced and forgotten. As I have never even been present.

I guess such stuff is common, people come and go, but I am dealing with it for the first time. At least in such a way. Or, fuck, everything has changed, and contemporary times are just crazy. This superficiality of human relations has always hurt me; as an observer, and of course much more when being involved. How things seem worthless at one point; how the past seems worthless.

How can one so easily forget the other? How can one so easily replace a person? I keep seeking for some kind of true relations. Deep relations. It is not about one and her/his needs only, it is about the equal two. Also, I can be seriously involved with only a few people during my whole life. I can be alone for a long time, I do not care. I do not need so called partner only because I am supposed to have one. Neither to show off around my friends with my gorgeous catch, nor to build up my self-esteem. I cannot forget the past via new relationships; I cannot establish a new relationship just to forget the shitty one. Whatever. I would just like to get over that old stuff. I would like to be the one forgetting, replacing with ease. But I would also like to renew the communication I have once had. However, on the other hand, I am afraid it is pointless.

The conclusion is I would rather not drink when feeling cranky. It just makes things worse.