IN AUGUST

First day of August has filled me with... some feelings I cannot even name properly. Several of them, I could say. ''One person can't feel that much at once, they'd explode!" Well, I also think I do not have an emotional range of a teaspoon. My life might change quite at the end of this particular month. I will keep this still in silence, for now. But I am restless... anxious and all that.

The second thing is that I was thinking a lot about relations again. Human relations and communication. I was thinking about strong bonds between people - those strong bonds that are suddenly broken. Well yes, break-ups, or friendships that stop functioning. Things like that. Like one would be in contact with some person for some period of time, one would share a part of a life with the other... there would be phone calls, letters, visits, dates, whatever. Then, things would change. One person very present would become one person very absent. Why this just happens, how it just happens? These changes. From love to hate, from intimacy to alienation, from friendship to nothing. I am old enough, I should get used of things passing already... emotions passing... of the fact that the change is the only constant in the world... yet such facts hurt me. Either if I observe them in my surroundings, or if I experience them myself. Alright, of course it hurts me more when it is all about me.

Some absences leave the feeling of emptiness. They leave words in mouth, words that will, perhaps, remain untold. Stories you would like to share, thoughts, feelings, events. The habit of reporting on yourself to somebody is broken. The habit of sharing the life with the other is gone. The habit of knowing how the other is doing, this is gone, too. At one point, break-up of whatever kind of relationship can feel as a relief, even as an end of suffering. Still, after some time, the missing can appear. Well, while one misses, the other perhaps does not care that much or... whatever. But at least one can feel the lack. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling of absence. A wish the communication would be back. And doubts, how the fuck things could function again...