LOOK BACK IN ANGER

What the fuck is going on with me? Lately, I have felt lots of anger. I have been pissed off; this phrase describes my state of mind the best. Pissed off, argh! Argh and argh again. I am not sure... do I allow myself now to feel that anger, am I more aware of my feelings? Put these feelings out, scream them loud into the air, thus let them vanish, not swallow them down. I am turning into perfect angry young man. Okay, woman. But, Jimmy Porter, darling, you are here only a distant metaphor one angry writer is (ab)using. However, the anger I feel, is like my... inner fire. It burns. Burns, burns. I am just angry.

Perhaps, I am fed up with the overall current situation. My own situation, mostly. Like too many shitty things just piling up, one after the other. During the last two Nanbudo trainings, last Thursday and today, it happened so that there was just not enough space for practice. I do not feel like explaining these things into details: there was not enough space, period. Three different groups in one dojo, too many people, and my group was dealing with a technique that requires proper space. Now, I have felt this sting in my heart for months, actually. All I can say is that last year, things were very much better. This year, I have felt useless and not-good-enough. And this hurts, too. Motivation consuming pain. I cannot just get over it in peace, fuck all philosophy. I am only human. Weirdo me, with that belt of mine, just staying at one point. Okay, my today's anger has turned into a few tears at the end of the practice... oh my, what's going on with me, eh?

Somehow, I do not like myself when being angry. I feel stupid, yet I just keep going it on. I have noticed that I start to behave like a... child. Punky and trashy child. A brat. I start to revolt. I become cynical. Within myself, I lose motivation. Happiness gone. To Hell with everything! Life sucks and it is so unfair... yep, life seems so unfair indeed. These words burn within my angry thoughts...

What I have written down, is an example of my current anger. Childish or not, here it is, I feel it. There are other things as well. Various people I work with pissing me off just perfectly, ignorance, clumsy organization, egoism, intolerance and so on. Yet lately... I do not know. I would so like to change things. Overall, I feel like I am so trying to do all that I can, but still nothing moves. Idle running. Many things piling up. Yeah, I smile and laugh too, of course I do. But, fuck, I am so fed up with everything.

Alright. Last Saturday, I wrote to my friend that I had not been much into trash these days. And I can add hardcore, too, sice I am more superficial with these particular genres. However, today has started... with listening to Hatebreed and Mokoma again, together with some wrathy-evil black metal, like Emperor and Rotting Christ. Hell, I am angry!