Monday, April 02, 2007


What the fuck is going on with me? Lately, I have felt lots of anger. I have been pissed off; this phrase describes my state of mind the best. Pissed off, argh! Argh and argh again. I am not sure... do I allow myself now to feel that anger, am I more aware of my feelings? Put these feelings out, scream them loud into the air, thus let them vanish, not swallow them down. I am turning into perfect angry young man. Okay, woman. But, Jimmy Porter, darling, you are here only a distant metaphor one angry writer is (ab)using. However, the anger I feel, is like my... inner fire. It burns. Burns, burns. I am just angry.

Perhaps, I am fed up with the overall current situation. My own situation, mostly. Like too many shitty things just piling up, one after the other. During the last two Nanbudo trainings, last Thursday and today, it happened so that there was just not enough space for practice. I do not feel like explaining these things into details: there was not enough space, period. Three different groups in one dojo, too many people, and my group was dealing with a technique that requires proper space. Now, I have felt this sting in my heart for months, actually. All I can say is that last year, things were very much better. This year, I have felt useless and not-good-enough. And this hurts, too. Motivation consuming pain. I cannot just get over it in peace, fuck all philosophy. I am only human. Weirdo me, with that belt of mine, just staying at one point. Okay, my today's anger has turned into a few tears at the end of the practice... oh my, what's going on with me, eh?

Somehow, I do not like myself when being angry. I feel stupid, yet I just keep going it on. I have noticed that I start to behave like a... child. Punky and trashy child. A brat. I start to revolt. I become cynical. Within myself, I lose motivation. Happiness gone. To Hell with everything! Life sucks and it is so unfair... yep, life seems so unfair indeed. These words burn within my angry thoughts...

What I have written down, is an example of my current anger. Childish or not, here it is, I feel it. There are other things as well. Various people I work with pissing me off just perfectly, ignorance, clumsy organization, egoism, intolerance and so on. Yet lately... I do not know. I would so like to change things. Overall, I feel like I am so trying to do all that I can, but still nothing moves. Idle running. Many things piling up. Yeah, I smile and laugh too, of course I do. But, fuck, I am so fed up with everything.

Alright. Last Saturday, I wrote to my friend that I had not been much into trash these days. And I can add hardcore, too, sice I am more superficial with these particular genres. However, today has started... with listening to Hatebreed and Mokoma again, together with some wrathy-evil black metal, like Emperor and Rotting Christ. Hell, I am angry!


kaneli said...

''For my anger is greater
Than the hand that once swept your cheek
And my anger is greater
Than the human I was
I will claim that is mine
Through the justice of suffering''

Swallow the Sun - The Justice Of Suffering

And, btw: Jonas Renkse <3 :)

banshee said...

Jeza je vsekakor boljša od "furanja safra"! Včasih se je treba malo spucati. Sploh pa za vsako nevihto in grmenjem posije sonček. :)

kaneli said...

Pol je pri meni že lep čas monsunsko deževje. ;) Se strinjam, da je jeza boljša od safra. Sam jaz itak menjam ta obdobja, enkrat jeza, drugič totalni emo :S ... vsekakor pa zna biti jeza do neke mere celo fajn in konstruktivna.

Btw, kolk fajn finske doom metalce sem videla včeraj igrati muziko v Mariboru! :D Swallow the Sun, namreč. Moram napisat post, ko bo več časa.

mooch said...

Olipa voimakas ja vihainen kirjoitus! Minusta on hyvä, että osaat purkaa vihaa kirjoittamalla. Toivoisin osaavani itsekin, mutta yleensä päädyn huutamaan. Yksin tai ystävälle. Lapsellisuudesta en niin tiedä. Oma käytökseni on toki ajoittain valtavan lapsellista. Mutta jokainenhan on välillä vihainen. Ja se että purkaa vihaansa (tapahtuipa se millä tavalla tahansa) ei ole niinkään lapsellista vaan valtavan viisasta. Pakko päästää välillä höyryjä ulos. Se on tervettä :)

kaneli said...

Hei! Alussa: onko Ari siis uusi idoli? Hienoa. Hän näyttää hyvältä nuorelta laulajalta.

Kiitos mielenkiitoisesta ajatuksesta. Minäkin päädyn huutamaan. Melko usein. En tiedä, ehkä se huutaminen ei ole kokonaan pahaa. Joskus todella täytyy huutaa jollekulle... vaikkapa se riippuu ihmisen perusolemuksestakin. Siis toinen huutaa usein, toinen ei koskaan. Puhutaan vihaisesta kirjoituksesta, minulla on eräät kirjeetkin. Joskus kun olen vihastunut johonkuhun niin perkeleen kovasti, menen kirjoittamaan kirjeen. Mutta en koskaan lähetä sen. Luullakseni niitä kirjeita on jo paljon. Hm, ehkä pitäisin todella lähettää sellaisen kirjeen kerran... :)