I can't sleep. Strangely restless. Listening to VÄRTTINÄ.
The future is driving me mad. I am so fed up that I am such a dreamer. Dear and sweet naive lass, just grow up, realise, deal with everything! Yuck. Well, usually I try not to expect anything. In most cases I even expect the worst things to happen. Thus I am so happy when (or if) the things turn much better than expected. However, sometimes the worst really happens. And that hurts as Hell. Because it can be even worse as expected. So I am really trying not to expect anything, not to picture some wonderful future. I am also trying not to picture totally fucked-up future. It can be even worse; it can be also better, though. I am just trying to feel bare here-and-now as it is. Okay, at the very moment, this here-and-now is not pleasant.
The past too. Memories and all. What has happened together with what the fuck will happen. There are words I just cannot utter. Thoughts I am so afraid to reveal.
Distances. Great cold distance.
Time. Goddammned dreams.
My so dark side.
This sleepless night.
In one movie I have heard the following Japanese thought: When you go to war, do not expect neither victory nor defeat. Do not expect a thing.