Wednesday, March 12, 2008


''The present is an ungraspable advance of the past devouring the future.
In truth, all sensation is already memory.

From Kafka on The Shore by Haruki Murakami

The past has always interested me. Memories; even my two latest plays have been dealing with memories and the past. I know well sometimes it is useless to long for the things that are gone. I know well things change, and sometimes they change in a way that hurts. So it is. Yet there are still issues in this life I cannot understand. Perhaps I am too naive, perhaps I just cannot accept this world as it is.

What has partly brought me to Finnish language and culture was this communication I have had; well, the tag friendship can sometimes feel as a good, nice and polite mask for all the emotions floating beneath. For sure I was thinking a lot about meanings, values, purposes of friendship at that time. Friendship became a theme I have been exploring and rethinking over and over again. However, in my opinion, if the friendship is real, without that fake cover of the word only, without serving just one Ego, one does not have to think about friendship that much. Real friendship just exists. Both Egos equal.

It has never happened to me that I would finish a friendship. At least not in such a way. Overall, it felt cruel. There was one person, the Other in my life for some time - and the relationship was important for me. Finally, I have kind of realised the relationship seemed more important to me than for the Other, but still. So far, this has not been my way. Being in an active contact with somebody, and then just cutting it off. Theoretically, the Other is now gone from my life, as this person has never even existed. Regardless the traces left behind.

No, this has never been my way. And I still cannot get it. Why such things happen? All that time, the energy exchanged, was it all for nothing? Words meaningless and empty. Is a human relationship just something one can cast away so lightly? One day, the Other is in your life, this Other kind of cares about you, and you care about the Other. There is a contact, two lives are connected. Then, things change, the Other is gone. Silence. You do not exist for the Other no longer. And vice versa? Well, it depends, I guess.

Sometimes, words are said in affect. Pain, anger, disappointment, and all that. The friendship that finished died within a couple of sharp letters. But still. After some time, the Other is still in mind. After some time, one perhaps feels slightly sorry for what has happened. Then, there is this battle. You somehow do not wish to meet the Other; it still hurts if you see the person. However, you would like the Other to recall you.
You still hope the Other did not perceive you just as some kind of a chatbot, robot, or something. A paradox of emotions. Perhaps, somewhere deep inside yourself, you still wish to see the Other again. To talk. To tell over some coffee how life goes now, after all this time, and so on.

Yet you do not know what the Other is thinking. You perceive the Other as a closed fortress with high walls, guarded with Other's personal Gods and Goddesses that are impossible to overcome. Cold and distant Other, forever lost from your world. And you so wonder if the Other ever thinks about you. Nevertheless you have existed once for the Other much more than you exist now. Finally, as nothing moves and silence just grows bigger, you end up with the thought the Other has probably forgotten about you.
Is it really so easy to forget?

Writing this from my particular experience, I think I am not among those that can just cut off people as they would never exist. New people bring new energies and new interactions; still the ones from the past would keep their places in my mind. It depends, but still. I cannot replace people like things can be replaced. For me, it is hard to forget people with ease. It all feels cruel; or it just reaches beyond my naive mind.

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