DROWSY

Some months ago, I was crying there is no proper work for me. These days, I have so much to do. Work, I mean. Well, sure I should be writing something else right now, not this blog... Yet I have nice writer's block at the moment; I am trying to get rid of it here. And I will fetch some chocolate latter. I guess there is still one with vanilla liqueur filling somewhere... However, this sort of artsy life of mine seems ironical. Either there is nothing at all. Either there is a pile of things and projects at once.

This week, I have been browsing through my old files. I have found this poem I have written a couple of months ago. I don't know, I think I could do it better. And yes, I felt shitty while writing. Whatever. It is a poem I have written after a long no-writing-poems time. So, here it is.

Drowsy I try to grasp reality
In my mouth, strange words as stones
In my eyes, dear friends as vultures
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
Shadows of my mind, decaying
Images of distant me, dissolving
The real me I have never been
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
Dreams of frozen happiness
Euphoric sleep of craziness
Awaking, awaking, awaiting
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
There is the waste land I should walk
Vulture-like shadow I should stalk
Pursue the path of perished past
Hallucinations that will blast
Inside my head as blissful nothing
Drowsy I try to grasp reality
Me, just hopeless case of change

CATCH THE SPEECH

Spring has happened. Days are warm. Sun is shining as crazy. Aurinko paistaa, the Finns would say; well, the sun literary fries these days. What this April has brought is direct flight connection between Ljubljana and Helsinki. Yey. Within my trips to Finland last year, I was lucky enough I did not have to use that Ryanair from London - Stansted to Tampere. One long long trip that would be. In winter, I used Klagenfurt airport and I had to change planes in Frankfurt. In August, I traveled first with train to Vienna, I stayed there a night in a hostel. Then, I finally flew directly to Helsinki. Fuck, the trip back to Slovenia was killing as I was so tired and sad. Well now... the way to Finland seems much shorter. Helsinki are only three hours away. Or even less, I don't know yet.

Last week, I had lots of small errands. It also happened so that I was walking home through Ljubljana park called Tivoli. Sun was shining as crazy. All of a sudden, I heard Finnish spoken. I smiled. I looked around. There were two young ladies chatting. Well, I do not know if this was already Ljubljana-Helsinki connection effect. I just recalled some similar events happening when I was abroad. And I heard Slovenian spoken all of a sudden. Even in the middle of nowhere.

In summer 2003, I traveled to Iceland. Alone. Really fantastic trip. I also saw Dimmuborgir; another story. One day, I went to see the famous Strokkur Geyser. In the middle of nowhere. There were some tourists waiting the geyser to spurt. Suddenly, Slovenian family appeared. Chatting and all. It felt so strange to hear Slovenian spoken after two months. In that magic wasteland far up North, with some springs literary ejaculating boiling water. Last summer in Helsinki, I went to Suomenlinna. Six archipelago islands close to the city with remains of a fortress; to get there, short ferry-ride is required. Oh, I liked Suomenlinna a lot. I was walking around and... Slovenian couple appeared. Caring a plastic bag from one Ljubljana-shop. Chatting. I so remember this meeting, it was at Augustin Ehrensvärd's grave. While in Finland, I also did short trip to Estonian capital Tallin. Wow. In the middle of Tallin, there were two Slovenians. Shopping. Hei, do we come in such masses as Japanese, for instance? Nope, we are only humble two-million-people country...

I have never been that much attached to my native land; I guess I am a bit of nomad. Yet there is only one native language, no matter what. And hearing my native language all of a sudden so far away from my current home has always felt kind of special...

HEI HEI HEI!

My heart greeds for frozen stars... (Swallow the Sun)

Štuk, Maribor, 4 April 2007

How I have been missing gigs lately. Good metal gigs, where one can be overwhelmed with the music this one prefers. Dancing, jumping, screaming. Now, this year, I would also really like to visit one of the festivals up North to see live all those so very local Finnish bands I like and that will probably never come to play here... alright, this is another post's theme. However, last Wednesday, I was very happy to join my friends and hit the road. Destination: Maribor. One hardly awaited gig was about to happen there. So it did, perkele! Two bands from Finland: Swallow the Sun and Moonsorrow.

After exciting drive around Maribor while trying to find the place, we did reach the venue successfully. Štuk, quite a fancy place. Lofty, with a nice bar and very clean toilets. We also spotted the stall with various merchandise. Kind of perversity grabbed me, and I went to speak in Finnish to the interesting guy selling the goods. I say perversity since I wondered how the particular Fin would react when hearing his language spoken in the middle of Maribor. What the fuck? It seemed completely normal to him. My boasting nose down. In Finnish he asked me only, how do we say kiitos in Slovenian. It also came clear that I had been teaching how to say hvala Mikko, Swallow the Sun frontman. I wonder if he wears those kinky Swallow the Sun boxer-shorts he was selling... Okay, keep wondering. To the gig we go. Enjoy the photos I have taken.

SWALLOW THE SUN

Recently, their latest album Hope has earned a good review in Slovenian metal-webzine Paranoid. Also in Finnish Imperiumi, a good opinion with a score nine from total ten can be found. Whatever, I do not care for scores that much. I just like this album. Here I must mention that Katatonia frontman Jonas Renkse is appearing as a guest on Hope, too. There was no Renkse in Maribor, but I dare to say I was among those few ones that came to the gig mainly because of Swallow the Sun. I assume their name is associated with Nordic (not Finnish, beware) mythology. In Ragnarök, Nordic end of the world, the sun gets swallowed. Their lyrics is completely in English. Since I put lots of stress on good lyrics, I think they could do better here. But I really like their melodics. It feels rich. Carefully woven. Building, developing slowly into dark crescendos, underlined with growling, sometimes screaming vocals. Thus, melodic parts are what Swallow the Sun does the best. Low growls and clear vocals in melancholic melodic death/doom. Such metal is among my favoured genres; in general, doom metal has been closer to me within the last years. Of course a doom metal gig cannot be that energetic and jolly, but still. There are melancholy and deep sorrow, there are rejected love and loss, there is self-pity, there are slow parts; yet there can also be rage with some amount of special energy.

Light has faded

As has the touch of your palms

No more songs of joy
Only dreadful silence

And painful memories

MOONSORROW

Now, some epic shit! Hei, that said Ville, Moonsorrow frontman. If Swallow the Sun were serious band and their audience was a bit older, then Moonsorrow seems to be more preferd by younger girlies and boys. This is what I have spotted during the gig. Lots of girlies and boys. Now I must kindly ask my friends to forgive me the blasfemic opinion. We have different tastes and that is what makes the world interesting, right? Anyway, I think Moonsorrow play decent folk/viking metal, but... I do not find them so attractive. Despite I have been listening to them every now and then. Despite their lyrics is completely in Finnish. But why are they not called Kuunsuru, then? Perhaps their latest Hävitetty is more interesting for me. Yet... the vocals are too quiet. Too weak, somehow (anteeksi, Ville). I guess I would rather see Ajattara on stage, and some others from Finland. Melodically, they feel a bit repetitive to me. Also, I much prefer to see those pagan-folk-whatever metal bands using real instruments, not only synthesizer. Real accordion, real flute and all; like Korpiklaani do, for instance. Nevertheless the atmosphere Moonsorrow made was so party-like. Very jolly and jumpy; so, I was dancing. There was no doubt they were considered as the gratest stars of the evening, lots of fans awaiting them eagerly. Nevertheless they get a plus from me for a successful promotion of Finnish language abroad. I heard a couple of Slovenian boys screaming some Finnish words; well, they were screaming kaupunki. It was also nice to see the audience trying to sing-a-long. Thus, in general - I await next good gigs now, Hell yeah!

Ja ruumis kaipaa vettä

Se huutaa vapautta

Vieraassa kaupungissa

Etsien kauneutta

LOOK BACK IN ANGER

What the fuck is going on with me? Lately, I have felt lots of anger. I have been pissed off; this phrase describes my state of mind the best. Pissed off, argh! Argh and argh again. I am not sure... do I allow myself now to feel that anger, am I more aware of my feelings? Put these feelings out, scream them loud into the air, thus let them vanish, not swallow them down. I am turning into perfect angry young man. Okay, woman. But, Jimmy Porter, darling, you are here only a distant metaphor one angry writer is (ab)using. However, the anger I feel, is like my... inner fire. It burns. Burns, burns. I am just angry.

Perhaps, I am fed up with the overall current situation. My own situation, mostly. Like too many shitty things just piling up, one after the other. During the last two Nanbudo trainings, last Thursday and today, it happened so that there was just not enough space for practice. I do not feel like explaining these things into details: there was not enough space, period. Three different groups in one dojo, too many people, and my group was dealing with a technique that requires proper space. Now, I have felt this sting in my heart for months, actually. All I can say is that last year, things were very much better. This year, I have felt useless and not-good-enough. And this hurts, too. Motivation consuming pain. I cannot just get over it in peace, fuck all philosophy. I am only human. Weirdo me, with that belt of mine, just staying at one point. Okay, my today's anger has turned into a few tears at the end of the practice... oh my, what's going on with me, eh?

Somehow, I do not like myself when being angry. I feel stupid, yet I just keep going it on. I have noticed that I start to behave like a... child. Punky and trashy child. A brat. I start to revolt. I become cynical. Within myself, I lose motivation. Happiness gone. To Hell with everything! Life sucks and it is so unfair... yep, life seems so unfair indeed. These words burn within my angry thoughts...

What I have written down, is an example of my current anger. Childish or not, here it is, I feel it. There are other things as well. Various people I work with pissing me off just perfectly, ignorance, clumsy organization, egoism, intolerance and so on. Yet lately... I do not know. I would so like to change things. Overall, I feel like I am so trying to do all that I can, but still nothing moves. Idle running. Many things piling up. Yeah, I smile and laugh too, of course I do. But, fuck, I am so fed up with everything.

Alright. Last Saturday, I wrote to my friend that I had not been much into trash these days. And I can add hardcore, too, sice I am more superficial with these particular genres. However, today has started... with listening to Hatebreed and Mokoma again, together with some wrathy-evil black metal, like Emperor and Rotting Christ. Hell, I am angry!